saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
Drinking mikes hard & watching the swan princess. i fucking LOVE college
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
Second night spent with creepy guy. I either need to change his nickname or stop doing this.
I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin
Pre-drinking/conditioning my liver for this impending hurricane party associated with cat. 2 hurricane Irene. Be ready to roll in a weather channel minute.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
at work, .. 47 yr old boss was in a fight. 2 BLACK EYES. I may get fired. I cant stop laughing
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
He kept telling me that it stood for Sex Utility Vehicle
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
Did this whole conversation happen while you were shitting?
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Randomize
