even my farts smell like vagina
You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
Slut skills are useful in every country.
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
There were 11 girls in that minivan and everyone was either puking, crying, or yelling "we're a total shit show"
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
Is it too forward if I ask him to bring a condom when he comes over to work on our project?
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
Randomize
