What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
Like I’ve seen him completely trashed and I’ve also seen him rip shirtsleeves off with his teeth and I can’t tell if I’m intrigued or not
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
Randomize
