Part in the USA is on your top 25 most played on iTunes. you have NO RIGHT to judge me.
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
I just saw the list where the U.S. doesn't even rank in the top 10 in drinking countries. I know its Tuesday but....its for America
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
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