this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
Report just came out that Tim Tebow is a virgin but I have proof he is not. He's bent Florida State over the last four years in a row.
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
So much rum. So many feels.
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
BITCH IT IS YOUR BIRTHDAY AND I'M STARTING ON A FISHBOWL OF LIQUOR WITHOUT YOU
I read that out. Group response is "Katie is hard as fuck."
WITH MOTHERFUCKING MONKEY MITTENS
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
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