Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
I wish you could order shots online.
I just realized I used lady gaga lyrics in my research paper on marie antoinette
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.
State dependent memory. I just needed to feel my teeth. It was like a fog was lifted.
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
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