Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
she had a pic of herself in a bikini as the wallpaper on her iPhone... I'm sensing a Tyra banks kinda girl. shit.
Your noise violation report contains the word "five-some"...wtf happened in here?
Best idea ever: Giving hobos a beer and having a chugging contest to win another beer. Most fun I have had downtown in a while.
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
Honestly I have a huge freedom boner right now and if I came it would be red white and blue
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
Randomize
