When I went to court, my judge's name was Honorable Ball. I couldn't stop laughing.
that probably didn't help your case.
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
I've done nothing but whore my gay ex bf out for the past 48 hours. It's getting weird.
I thought you just gave him blowjobs and he criticized your drug use.
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
Obviously last night's theme was "Let's Make Bad Life Choices"
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
Randomize
