so she asking me "is it okay to have dangling labias?"
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
well you're talking about the girl who after 4 years, several relationships and several fuck buddies, has yet to have sex in an actual bed
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Randomize
