i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
I just did my online traffic school at the bar. No biggie.
so are you any less fat since you started doing blow?
Lame. Party is tapping out at 4am. Even chanting "USA" didn't rally them.
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
Randomize
