fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation.
Countdown til Saturday. I'd assume we're somewhere around 10,000 bottles of beer on the wall.
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
This heat and humidity do not mix with these braless DDs and a tank top at a BBQ.
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
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