New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
Would you like to partake in getting high as fuck with your best friend and then proceeding to cry over the shit head guys we deal with?
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Randomize
