he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
Thanks for talking me down from peeing on his window last night.
I am now curious as to how you would have aimed.
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
Ran into him again last night, stole his glowstick and walked away. The glowstick mountain in my room keeps growing.
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
I think I was just hit on by Jesus Christ. This is not okay. Bad Touch. I NEED AN ADULT!
Calm the hell down, it's just stoner Bob.
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
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