I can text with my tongue
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
He walked into the party with a case on one shoulder and a boom box on the other of course I fucked him
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
Well idk about you but my nose is all recovered for the weekend.
just let her blow you already, it's practically animal cruelty at this point.
I figure hes like disneyworld. You know youre only going once or twice in life. Might as well have fun and ride the rides
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
By talk him into it I assume you mean blow him into it.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
Randomize
