I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
Between having seen you naked and interpreting your values based on the occasional political FB post, you're no stranger for sure.
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
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