There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
He asked me to spit in his mouth. I did. Never let me hook up with this guy again.
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
Wait is this black Chris #1, cocaine Chris, or gay Chris?
No this is saxophone Chris
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
I can't give advice right now, I have a yeast infection.
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
Randomize
