So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
In a cab. Towels everywhere. Confused.
Three people drank on "never have I had sex in a tractor." Iowa at its best?
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I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
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I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
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