I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
Two days later and my throat is still sore. That bong is a double edged sword.
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
Erin was right. There were bees at the after hours.
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
Randomize
