Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
I'm starting a business if you want to get involved
oh boy
Its called Cut N Tugs, haircuts with happy endings
Just heard the new 'We are the world' ... Can I get my 10 bucks for Haiti back?
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
exhale infront of a fan. self shotgun.
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
moms trying to set me up with a 28 year old. hes graduated university like im getting high in my bed and he's an adult
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
For a guy who won't fuck me, your dick is out a lot when we talk.
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
Randomize
