..well, okay, so long as I don't have to wear an apron or vaccum in high heels.
nope just do me i'm drunk and easy to plz
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
He's still short.... And probably a douchebag. But if we ever run into him downtown I fully encourage you to take him home and have "I hate you douchebag" sex and lick every inch of that disgustingly toned chest.
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
He's got a big dick, a steady job and tells me I'm pretty. There is litterally nothing else I look for I a guy.
Randomize
