Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
The cops just drove by on their loudspeaker going DO NOT DRINK THE WATAHH
I love boston
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
I feel like his penis would have a weird haircut because he does.
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
Sometimes I actually rage on Tuesday, come back, and do homework drunk and pull an all nighter.
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
Dry heaving on campus is my new low. Also, go pats
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
Randomize
