I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
woke up in a freezing tub of water at 6 am again. probably should stop the drunk baths
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
Haha so I huess that means he's a little over 7. I can use my throat as a ruler!!
One less school supply you need to buy!!
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
Bang-toberfest begins!!
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
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