1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
the caf people were giving us weird looks and she yelled ITS A LIFE STYLE
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
I mean there is a rehab there so its gotta be a good time
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
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