we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
I think you missed the wrong class. Im pretty sure we were taught how to buy cocaine.
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
this st patricks day sucks
ill send jameson via bank tube 150+ miles
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
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