My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
Yeah. We was talkin. Its ok. My bed is too filled with pam for sex. Its like a slip and slide of butter product.
Hey guys, just to let you know, I have a boyfriend...so that hookup was kind of a one time thing.
was that a mass text??
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
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