She just used a chaser for red wine.
I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
still doesn't change the fact you were dunking your sock in the toilet.
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
dude i should have never cleaned my ears out while high. theres no going back.
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
Randomize
