I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
Take advantage man but know that every anal bead u drop inside her will make her love u 2% more. It's science
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
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