I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
thats the sluttiest christmas spirit ever.
oh god was she eating orange peels again
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
I know you hold the fastest time for "zoo downhill wheelchair racing" but I don't see what that has to do with this.
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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