i'm moving back early just in case the freshmen need a tour of the school
oh right the one that ends on your bed
He tried to say the picture wasn't him. Like I'd forget his curved boner.
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
My team for a project is gonna have weekly meetings at a bar. yessss. they will do all the work while i thor hammer down beers.
If Anthony Weiner can get in trouble for sexting 2 or 3 girls I dunno how politicians will make it in 10 years.
Lol I would vote for a guy that is trying to be a senator that has a viral video of him motorboating a topless chick
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
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