I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
you only had a canadian ten, but you said it was all good cuz you would just by molson.
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
he had to fake a sneeze attack to hide the fact he came in 15 seconds?!
so its atleast an 8 for creativity.
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
He plays D&D and his dick should be carved out of marble. I think I'm in love.
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
Randomize
