remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
Just fucked my roommate on the first night of our 12 month lease. 2010 will be awkward.
she starting giving me head in the taxi..the driver told her to stop..she looked up, said "I'm the birthday girl", and kept on doing what she was doing.
I need to have sex with you on our hotel room window ledge... This is a need not a request.
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
My parents just out drank me... I cant get back to college soon enough
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
Who gives a hand job to a 19 yr old one night then the next lets a 31 year old random man fly a plane to town and pick u up and take u to dinner?
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
its not much but to go through all that to ask for half a balls worth of money was so stressful
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
And then he peed in my hair
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