I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
I vaguely remember seeing that couple making out in front of that store and i yelled "I ALSO LOVE THE ROCKY MOUNTAIN SOAP COMPANY!"
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
Who did he bring home?
Idk. But did you see her shoe choice by the stairs, I'm really not expecting anything great.
Randomize
