fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
We learned a lot about one another. I showed him around the town I grew up in and he informed me that he has had a threesome and killed a cat
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
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