I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
he said he doesnt sext because the government can tap that kind of shit too. no boobie pics for him.
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
Your place is a magnet for either righteous parties or crippling alcohol dependency. Lets find out which together
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
You chest bumped everyone we walked by on the way home... Even girls
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
Randomize
