need another drink. this is the easiest way
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
69 is so not fun when his penis is sporting a 70s hairstyle
I was giving him head and when I deep throated him he screamed out "Ohh, top ten!"
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
he just exposed your dildo usage to the table.
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
Randomize
