Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
How did people poop without Blackberrys?
Motorola Razers?
Stone age, man.
She was adopted and used to dance at Sapphire. just my speed.
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
I need a fuck buddy with more available hours
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
Randomize
