You're in luck. The brownies don't even have butter, just vege oil
oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
Mid way while flirting with this super hot chick at the bar, he gets up and says no thanks I'm only 19 and gay just waiting for my buddy to hurry up and get with your friend.
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
Randomize
