4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
is it appropriate to call someone “ a tasty piece of bitch?” This is time sensitive.
I would get the one fuckin stripper that's a lesbian. THE ONLY ONE
after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
He kept saying "Welcome to Indianapolis" over and over while we were having sex...because that's his hometown. I was scared and confused... I didn't know if I should have said thank you or what.
How naked do you want me to be?
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
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