Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
Dude she has a fucking rock collection. Never will I ever talk to her again.
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
Tanner. All u drink. 10 bckaa. Locked in Porto potty outside. Constructed area. Main strrrreeeett. Fuck. Help. Pleese
Randomize
