why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
you're by far the better bro. your dick is more impressively sized, anyway
I hate that you know that from experience
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
It's not socially acceptable to be drunk in adult world. That fact makes me die a little inside.
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
the fact that I've been his fuck buddy for a year, and I'm pregnant isn't bothering me. the fact that he didn't tell me about his girlfriend does.
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
you know you should be lucky to find the case to my dildo....that means no more random guys at the house!
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
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