The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
Im going to need an iv of taco bell after this.
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
There was an ice luge. Lets just leave it at that.
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
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