Moan for me like Helen Keller
you asked a group of latinas stood by the bar to hold a minutes silence for ugly betty getting cancelled. that drunk.
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
I just remember standing in the shower with you eating chips.
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
So when I walked out, everyone was chanting ONE OF US, someone draped a lei over my head, and then she grabbed my ass and dragged me back into the bedroom. I'd say it was a pretty good night to lose my virginity.
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
Man, I miss taking bong rips in my room. Now they are bringing dogs around so all my stuff is hidden in random places up in the woods. I literaly have to hunt and gather just to get high.
His sex game is strong it’s like a warlord’s dick! you know what I mean?
Nope
Randomize
