i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
Hey thanks again for rolling me that blunt necklace. It was amazing.
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
We had sex twice and at Wendy's how dare you diminish that.
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
I'm done, I have no more memes or ways to ask for nudes, so yeah
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
Randomize
