my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
I queefed so loud it echoed.
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
We fucked so hard and loud that the everyone at the party downstairs starting chanting his name. Oh I we broke a lamp.
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
Thought for a game. Duck, Duck, Grey Goose. If you're tapped, you take a shot. Then proceed as normal.
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
Randomize
