Just made ouyt with a dude on the real wporld...I said I dont want my face blired out
I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
it was like eating out sand paper
fuck your aforementioned shoe
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
But on the plus side, what he lacked in size he made up for with speed. And grunting.
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
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