went to sleep on the couch in jeans and socks. woke up in bed totally nude no memory of moving. best farewell party ever
Does having sex in the men's bathroom on the boardwalk count as having sex on the beach?
She's never had brie before last night, don't know if I can date a girl that doesn't like soft cheeses.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
She fell down the stairs and hit her head on the concrete. Then she stood up, flashed us and stumbled away. I forgot to get her number..
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
Randomize
