I thought it was weird that her dad told me to finish and get out after he walked in on us. I like him
Ummmm yeah ..,.. All three girlfriends I have right now are chatting with each other at the party...... I'll see you on the other side
after giving each other head, we had a really nice post-oral heart to heart. found out he lost his virginity in a threesome.
I don't think I can handle being a slut. There is a lot more emotional stress that I never realized.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
A legendary roster of degenerates has been assembled.
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
And by "sexually intimate," you mean fuck buddies?
Randomize
