I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
I am putting together a break up mix and its pretty much the best of Phil Collins
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
TFW YOU ACCIDENTALLY SEND A MEME ABOUT LIKING ANAL TO THE GROUP CHAT. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
Straight boys are literally imbeciles. If Darwinism doesn’t get them female rage will.
Randomize
