Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
We can get Dustin to help us. I think he'd be good at luring girls into a dark alley.
we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
just came on the shower curtain. sorry housekeeping.
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
I think I've forgotten how to blink. Help plz?
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
thanks for letting me have sex in your bed, too bad you didn't get to yet
who are you?
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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