forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
If you are in NYC and not seeing anyone, you should come fucke me now because:1 i am not in love with you anymore, 2 i am drunk enough where i won't feel the n eed to kisx you awardly to avoid your beard, 3we have unfinished business that i wpn't get -assed unyil orgass have been had, 4 i really really want to
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
Worst case: you're extra horny, have no control of your mouth or actions, and maybe murder someone. Child's play.
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Randomize
