I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
I just encouraged Kelsey to make out with some guy for beer so I could take one, does this make me a pimp?
By definition I think it does.
So this is what it feels like to be all that is man.
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
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I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
My last two google searches are "shiny things" and "Ohio consent laws." you should visit more often.
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Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
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