Already got asked if we're dating
He bought me ice cream and then I gave him a bj
I think that's fair trade off
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
He rubs his penis on back when he think I'm sleeping
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
Packing a mid day bowl in the Sonic parking lot. Have I gone too stoner?
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
Randomize
