she cant drink. allergic to alcohol.
ewwww. she might as well have a dick.
just bought a $25 eighth from a chick who has a kid. i'm helping my community out right?
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
I think he is probably a psycho that will eventually murder me but i mean the sex last time was AWESOME.
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
note: just because the casino is called bourbon street, it doesn't mean you can puke and keep walking and no one will care. chalk me up for another 86
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Randomize
