Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
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they night at the roxbarryed us. came out of nowhere,bought us shots, and then the big one licked my hand? we got out of that noise.
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
Noo.... Like in the attic of a crack house with nitrous and fat chicks weird....
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
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