You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
I managed to make myself a bowl of apple jacks, took one bite and had to stop eating them because they were making my brain wiggle. How was your comedown?
Wednesday is good, I needed the head count for the orgy, caroling can happen with as few as 2 people. There will be a pinata.
For the caroling or the orgy?
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
Randomize
